#MeToo

note: this was originally written as a Facebook status update, but I decided to transfer it to Tumblr after it grew too long. You may comment here if you’re from Facebook or Twitter and have a Tumblr, but I’d prefer feedback (if you have any) on the link you got here from.

This one is going to be a little different than some of the others you may have read. I won’t explain how, just please bear with me and read it fully and carefully or don’t read it at all (there’s no half-assing this one.) Disclaimer: If you’re a relative of mine, I’d rather this not become a hot topic of family gossip unless done in a positive light, so if we’re blood and you’re seeing this, please be careful with what I am about to tell you…

i. Incoming

I have uncomfortably been flirted with more times than I can count. I’ve had my genitalia groped or touched; my rear end pinched or slapped or patted. I’ve unwillingly had kisses forced; had my ears being sucked on and bitten. I’ve had a cigarette pulled from my lips, and smoked condescendingly in my face as a simultaneous act of dominance and creepy now-our-saliva-is-mixed sort of way — These were all by strangers, mostly male, both straight and mistaking me for female, while some gay. However, a few instances were female, and were no more welcome.

I’ve had my sexual preferences, my body (specifically the tandem of my Asian heritage and perceived penis size), and my gender identity questioned, assumed, doubted, and ridiculed — For the record, since I do happen to know it’s a topic of discussion among some: I am mostly heterosexual, and have come to terms with my biology, but do not identify with it (if you give me m/f checkboxes, I’ll concede to “male”, but if you give me more than two, I am wont to choose “other” or “not available”. To be more blunt, I’ve felt female trapped in a male body for longer than I can remember, and used to deliberately feminize myself in my posture, behavior, attire, mode of speech, hairstyle, and scent, but realized I was born with an automatic privilege that those without are fighting to attain in the name of an equality that a society as advanced as ours should have acquired centuries ago. Please note that this does not mean I frown upon my transgender friends and relatives for shunning their “biology” and think they should experience the same “realization” I have, because I do not not feel that way: I admire them immensely for having the bravery to take plunges I never could in my youth, and wish to help foster a society that does not judge or mistreat anyone simply because they’re male, female, or other, as well as being judged or mistreated for liking any sort of consenting adult human lifeforms outside of “tradition” (sorry, pedophiles and bestialists, but unlike those you victimize: you are not innocent.)

I have encounters like this at least once a week, most recently Saturday night. By definition, I may be a victim, but I do not consider myself as such: I never had my bare body touched without consent, I was never assaulted, I was never threatened, I was never raped. I am not happy with what I experience and it does bother me more than I’ll often admit, but I hardly find it comparable to what others I know deal with…

ii. Outgoing

On the subject of “innocence”, this is where I feel my tale becomes “a little different”. Trigger warnings: Rape.

I am not a rapist in the sense that I prowl the streets looking for a victim to assault and thrust myself upon. I am not a rapist in the sense that I drug or intoxicate anyone to lower their inhibition, nor hang around those who drink or use drugs to later take advantage of. I am not a rapist in the sense that I play games of the mind or the heart, or use threats of violence or blackmail to manipulate others into bending to my will. I am not a rapist in the sense that I force those without the experience or cognitive ability into harmful scenarios beyond their understanding. I am not a rapist in the sense that I abuse my wealth or social status, or another’s lack thereof, to influence them into submission. I am not a rapist in the sense that my hands touch what, whom, and where they should not…

In the sense that I was granted consent, but eventually caused bodily pain and was asked to stop (thus having said consent revoked), but didn’t… I am a rapist.

To further elaborate: it was with my one and only sexual partner, who I dated for 4 years, 10 months, and 29 days, and was sexually active with for 92.48% of that duration. She was more than just a “sexual partner”, though: to date, she was the love of my life.

I believe it was November or December of 2011, which would have been 4.5 years into our relationship. We started as we always and often did, which is to say it included a lot of positional and angular experimentation. We were both enjoying ourselves, but after about 10 or 15 minutes, we tried a position where she lie prone (flat on her stomach), and I enter from over her. It worked well at first, but in time it began to hurt for her. I was on the verge of climax as she asked me to stop, but I was unable to control my body and continued for what may have been up to an additional minute.

She cried, and was stunned. I apologized profusely, and wept as well. We held each other. I felt that I became what I hate; I became what sickens me. I vowed to let it never happen again, and as far as her honesty with me goes, it didn’t. We continued to have relations with one another as if it never happened, and again, as far as she was honest with me, her sexual health and enjoyment of the act were not compromised; there were times after the incident she would describe as our very best, but that isn’t the point of sharing this…

I did not share this to appear “brave”, or to seek attention. I did not share this to humanize or evoke sympathy for rapists of both lesser or greater degree. I did not share this for perpetrators who have made the same grave error to relate with, nor did I share it for victims to try and understand that no harm was meant and we’re apologetic with every fiber of our being. I did not share this to seek forgiveness or moral support; to be told “oh that isn’t so bad” or “you’re not a rapist, Gil”. I did not share this to urge or pressure those who have harmed another in similar ways to confess like I have. There may be elements of guilt, and of catharsis, but…

I share this because I want to raise awareness. Not only of my wrongdoing and who you are dealing with, but that…

If you are not careful and understanding, you may someday cause harm to another like I have.

The guilt is unbearable, and I’ve come to believe it is a large reason of why I find myself reluctant and fearful to enter a sexual relationship with anybody else. With that said, I trust that if given the opportunity, I will not make the same mistake again, and I hope that those reading can trust me not to as well, if they have such an interest in me.

If any of this means you no longer wish to be my friend or continue to be associated with me, I can accept that; it’s all part of atonement. But if you knowingly can give others a pass, or have caused relative or greater harm to another yourself (be it physical, mental, emotional, or otherwise), then please consider your judgement…

But whether she, you, the universe, or God can forgive me, understand that I will never forgive myself. I do not accept what I have done, nothing can make me, and I don’t even want to accept it. It’s a personal shame that is meant to forever ache. If I could only undo one action from my life, that would be it (and yes, I do realize that wouldn’t save our relationship and it would have ended the same exact way.) All I can do is make sure to never do that again, and hope I can prevent others from experiencing this on either end.

iii. Shared

As humans, we have been granted a vast array of gifts: logic/reasoning, language, capacity for introspection, ethics, but most importantly of all: Empathy.

While some lifeforms that inhabit this planet may kill, eat, steal from, or rape each other, as humans we have the privilege—no, the obligation—to resist such primal means.

Some may say we’re animals; we’re “sexual creatures”, what have you, but as a human with the ability to sit on your fancy computer or phone and actually read and comprehend this, you owe it to yourself and to your fellow humans to be kind, to be respectful, and to be understanding: “No” means “No”, the way someone chooses to dress themselves does not permit you to behave lustfully towards them, to not refer to them in vulgarities beyond the character they possess within (and even if they do on a personal or moral level, at least choose your words with utmost tact), to not grade anyone as if they’re a faceless and thoughtless piece of beef or poultry. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, now put it into practice.

Be considerate, use the proper/desired pronouns of the person you’re speaking with, don’t say or do anything to another that would enrage you if said or done to your mother/sister/daughter/significant other/father/brother/son/whoever you love like that. Treat people the way you want to be treated.

As far as the act of courtship goes: compliment them for their thoughts, their feelings, their intellect, their wisdom, their talents, their accomplishments, their actions, their taste, their humor, or my favorite: how happy they make you and even others in their lives feel, how life and the universe itself are better with them in it. Don’t worry about telling them how handsome/beautiful/cool/cute/whatever their appearance is, how nice their body is, or how great they smell—and for that matter don’t worry about how attractive you are yourself—because we all rot in the coffin or burn in the crematory the same way. Memento mori. After you agree to start dating and if they’re into it/would prefer so, maybe then go ahead and tell them how physically appealing this or that is, but in a perfect world none of that matters anyway. Focus on how important they are, how much they truly matter to you.

With all that run-of-the-mill PSA fluff out of the way (it is all true and of value, but most of us have heard it all before)…

Since this whole “Me too” campaign started (on Twitter~), while I may not have commented on or reacted to (m)any of your stories, please do not think I didn’t read them… Whether they were as simple as reposting “Me too”, or were thoroughly written as long as this… It’s just… It’s the kind of thing where a “Sad” or “Angry” reaction just isn’t enough, and as someone who simultaneously hasn’t experienced anything as painful and is guilty of perpetrating an act of sexual assault (however accidental) themselves, it’s difficult to find the right words…

It tore me to shreds reading a lot of your stories, and I still may not have the words… But no matter who or what you are, know that you aren’t alone. Know that your voice matters, and in sharing, you have made both the present and the future a better place. We are all here for you, united as we should be.

Teach not only the young, but your contemporaries and elders how we can end this cycle of suffrage. If you sense you’re violating another, immediately refrain from doing so. If someone makes you uncomfortable, tell them. If you see someone festering in their own toxicity over getting “friend-zoned” and bashing an entire group over the rejection of a desired individual, show them the error of their thought process and how they can improve their outlook, conduct, and policies. If those you associate with are speaking in lustful and objectifying vulgarities at those they find attractive, tell them to watch their tongue and get their minds out of the gutter. If you witness or are subjected to cat-calling, don’t let them get away with it anymore: their brain should be capable of comprehending fire = burn. Demand respect. Demand equality. Don’t be demeaning. If we’re all thoughtful and considerate enough, maybe things can change for the good; if there is a greater power, they sure as hell know we need it right now. May tomorrow be sunny. Be your best you, and I’ll do the same. Don’t be evil.

I wish that I could walk downstairs right now, and find you sitting at the kitchen table, sipping tea, with a wry smile upon your face.